(And What to Say Instead)
Dementia is more than just memory loss. It affects how a person thinks, communicates, and relates to the world around them. For loved ones and caregivers, it can be challenging to know how to communicate in ways that are helpful, supportive, and kind.
Words matter. The way we speak to someone with dementia can either uplift them or unintentionally cause distress and confusion. In this in-depth guide, we’ll explore 20 things you should never say to someone living with dementia, explain why they can be harmful, and offer compassionate alternatives.
Let’s begin.
1. “Do you remember…?”
Why It Hurts:
This simple question can be anxiety-inducing for someone who’s struggling with memory. It puts pressure on them to recall something they may no longer be able to access.
A Better Way:
Instead of quizzing them, offer a memory yourself:
- “I was just thinking about our trip to the lake. That was such a peaceful day, wasn’t it?”
This approach invites connection without testing their memory.
You may love this one: How to Say “And” in Vietnamese — Plus 20 Other Must-Know Words
2. “You’re wrong.”
Why It Hurts:
Correcting someone with dementia, especially when they’re confident in their statement, can make them feel ashamed or embarrassed.
A Better Way:
Let the facts go and focus on their feelings. For example:
- “That’s an interesting way to look at it. Tell me more.”
Redirect or gently change the subject if needed.
3. “I just told you that.”
Why It Hurts:
People with dementia often ask the same questions multiple times. Responding with frustration or reminders can feel scolding.
A Better Way:
Answer each question as though it’s the first time.
- “We’re going to the doctor at 3 PM, and then we’ll have lunch afterward.”
Your calm repetition brings reassurance.
4. “They passed away.”
Why It Hurts:
Hearing about a loved one’s death repeatedly can be deeply painful. For someone with dementia, it may feel like fresh grief every time they’re reminded.
A Better Way:
Gently redirect.
- “They’re not here right now, but you always had such wonderful times together. What do you remember most about them?”
5. “What do you want to do?”
Why It Hurts:
Open-ended questions can overwhelm someone with dementia. They may struggle with making decisions or recalling options.
A Better Way:
Offer a couple of clear choices.
- “Would you like to go for a walk or sit in the garden?”
This keeps them involved without creating pressure.
6. “You don’t look like you have dementia.”
Why It Hurts:
This may seem like a compliment, but it can come off as dismissive. Dementia isn’t always visible.
A Better Way:
Focus on understanding and empathy instead of appearances.
- “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
7. “Let me do that for you.”
Why It Hurts:
Doing tasks for them—even simple ones—can chip away at their independence and dignity.
A Better Way:
Encourage them to do what they can.
- “Would you like a hand with this, or do you want to try it on your own first?”
8. “You’re being difficult.”
Why It Hurts:
Behaviors that may seem challenging often stem from fear, confusion, or overstimulation.
A Better Way:
Look for the cause of the behavior instead.
- “It looks like something’s bothering you. Can we talk about it?”
9. “Why can’t you remember that?”
Why It Hurts:
This question can come across as blaming. Memory loss is out of their control.
A Better Way:
Avoid making them feel responsible.
- “It’s okay. We all forget things sometimes.”
10. “You already asked me that.”
Why It Hurts:
Pointing out their repetition can be embarrassing and painful.
A Better Way:
Answer again patiently. If needed, try to shift the topic to something soothing or engaging.
11. “Calm down.”
Why It Hurts:
Telling someone to calm down rarely works—especially when they feel anxious or confused. It can feel dismissive.
A Better Way:
Acknowledge their feelings and offer comfort.
- “I can see this is upsetting. I’m here for you.”
12. “That’s not how it happened.”
Why It Hurts:
Dementia can distort memories. Insisting on the truth can make them feel confused or invalidated.
A Better Way:
Meet them where they are.
- “That’s such a powerful memory. It must have meant a lot to you.”
13. “You’re not making any sense.”
Why It Hurts:
This can make them feel foolish or incapable.
A Better Way:
Listen to their tone, not just the words.
- “Let’s figure this out together.”
You might discover what they’re trying to say through context or emotion.
14. “You’re too young to have dementia.”
Why It Hurts:
Younger people can and do develop dementia. This statement can invalidate their very real experience.
A Better Way:
Support them without assumptions.
- “You’ve been handling so much with strength.”
15. “You never told me that.”
Why It Hurts:
Challenging their memory creates doubt and stress.
A Better Way:
Accept it gracefully, even if it’s untrue.
- “That’s interesting—thanks for sharing that with me.”
16. “That person died years ago.”
Why It Hurts:
Revealing this over and over causes recurring heartbreak.
A Better Way:
Avoid direct reminders.
- “Tell me about them. What were they like?”
This keeps the memory alive without triggering sadness.
17. “You’re just being lazy.”
Why It Hurts:
Dementia can affect motivation and ability. This kind of language is cruel and degrading.
A Better Way:
Try,
- “Is something making this hard today? Can I help?”
18. “You can’t do that.”
Why It Hurts:
Telling them what they can’t do can feel controlling and defeat their confidence.
A Better Way:
Guide them toward success.
- “Let’s try this together.”
19. “You’re imagining things.”
Why It Hurts:
Their reality might not match ours, but it’s still real to them.
A Better Way:
Validate, then gently redirect.
- “That must be scary. Let’s go sit somewhere quiet together.”
20. “Everything is fine.”
Why It Hurts:
When someone is clearly distressed, this can feel like you’re ignoring their fear or confusion.
A Better Way:
Acknowledge their concern.
- “I know things feel strange right now, but I’m here and you’re safe.”
Final Thoughts: Communicating with Compassion
Dementia changes how a person processes the world, but it doesn’t take away their need for dignity, connection, or respect. The way we speak—our tone, our words, and our attitude—can profoundly affect their well-being.
By avoiding these common communication mistakes and replacing them with kindness and understanding, we build bridges of trust. We help people with dementia feel seen, supported, and valued.
Remember:
- Always validate emotions.
- Avoid correcting or testing memory.
- Offer calm, structured, and compassionate responses.
- Meet them in their reality.
Dementia may affect memory, but love, empathy, and connection can still thrive—especially through mindful communication.